I remember back in September my roommate and I said "hey, we should go to Africa!" And that was it. We signed up on a whim. An opportunity presented itself and we took it. Then after months of fundraising, team meetings, and preparing, all of a sudden this trip is tomorrow! Woah. My nerves are setting in big time. Between last minute packing and realizing that in under 24 hours I'll be sitting on a plane somewhere, my heart starts beating a little faster. It doesn't feel like excitement, though. Don't get me wrong, I am SO excited for this trip. I can't wait to see how God will use us and change us for His purpose, but this feeling today is straight fear. I am scared to go on this trip. Woah, weird to admit. It's uncomfortable and I have no idea what to expect. God is taking me a step out of my comfort zone big time on this one.
Fear. A simple, four letter word that so easily takes over in our hearts. It cripples us. It works against us and tries to keep us from doing what God created us to do. So, what am I scared of? Well for one, I am scared of airports (irrational I know). During this trip, I'll be in FIVE different airports. I'm scared because I won't be able to communicate with people. Do I speak Swahili? HECK NO. I am scared that I'm not the kind of person made for this type of thing. Yikes. I am scared I won't make any type of impact. Can we REALLY make a difference in 10 days?
So. What is the underlying fear here? I am scared I am inadequate. That I am not "good enough" to go on a mission trip and try to make a difference. It's something I've never done before and am definitely not comfortable with. And, the closer I get to leaving for Tanzania, the more I realize it's not just this 10-day trip that I'm scared of. I am scared God won't be able to use a regular 19-year old girl like me. In Africa and quite frankly, in life. My insecurity and fear go further than Tanzania - it finds it's way into every piece of my life. Not going to lie, it's super weird admitting this in writing. I have a feeling, though, that a lot of people think this way. We all like to feel strong, smart, and in control. That means as soon as we start to feel stretched or pushed past our limits, we hit the brakes, slam into reverse, and crawl right back into our comfort zones. But WHY! Why do we so easily let this fear and insecurity consume us? It fills our thoughts and is evident in our actions. It's debilitating. Fear doesn't just hurt us when we head overseas, it hurts us every dang day. Not just on mission trips, but in our life's mission.
I'm here to tell you (and truthfully, preach to myself) that this kind of fear is something that comes straight from the devil. It's a little whisper from the enemy that says, "you aren't good enough," and attempts to take root in our hearts, mind, and soul to derail us from living out God's purpose for our lives! John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." Fear is deceptive. The devil is deceptive. He comes to (try to) steal our joy, (try to) kill our faith in the Lord, and (try to) destroy what God has planned for us. When God nudges me out of my comfort zone, my natural thought is, "Who... me? I can't do that!" Fear causes me to hesitate before stepping out in faith. It leads me to worry about what lies ahead of me. It continues to hurt and hurt and hurt my life.
How do we deal with this, though? That, my friends, is something that I'm still learning. In my relationships, in my commitments, and in my day-to-day life. Romans 8:15 says, “For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of sonship.” Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us with confidence draw near to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” It's crazy to me how quickly we can fall into fear. How quickly we can forget that we are God's KIDS and He promised to love us and be faithful to us. He invites us to do things way beyond what we think we are capable of so that we can grow to see who HE is and what HE can do. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that God's power is made perfect in MY weakness. In MY fear. His name is glorified. So, as I am about to leave for this trip (in less than 24 hours - eeek!), what truth am I going to choose to believe? That I am inadequate? Or that the Lord of the UNIVERSE is present in my life? From Isaiah 45: “This is what the Lord says, ‘I will go before you, and level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. And I will give you treasures hidden in darkness–secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Isreal , the one who calls YOU by name.” Woah. He is going before me. In every uncomfortable situation that I find myself in. In this mission trip, in my relationships, in everything. He is calling MY name and showing HIS goodness. It is a minute my minute CHOICE to be in HIS presence instead of choosing to live in fear and insecurity.
I wish I could finish this post telling you that I am fully confident and ready to go on this trip tomorrow, no fears. But that would just not be true. Fears, doubts, and insecurities still remain hidden in the depths of my heart. But, I know my God is big. He can and WILL work through these fears. I know my name is written on the palm of His hand and He is using this trip (and all of my life's fears) to tell about His glory through it all.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
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